I feel so fortunate to have chosen a mentor who fits me so well for where I am now! I thought it was timely to talk about making decisions and how to choose the right people to come into your life. Because this is absolutely critical for your success. You have probably heard that your life is a reflection of the five people you spend most of your time with. So choosing those peope is VERY important.

Have you ever felt like you made the wrong choice in employees, mentors, clients or even a your partner?

Have you ever
- been disappointed by a mentor who you felt didn’t deliver what you wanted?
- attracted a business partner/supplier and then felt ‘ripped off’?
- attracted an employee that didn’t work out as expected?
- had a partner that caused you heartache because you just weren’t a good fit for each other?

Most people would have experienced at least one of these scenarios, I know I have. So how does this happen and how can we prevent it?

There are two main reasons we make the wrong decision about people:

1. We don’t have enough criteria for making the decision and the ones we have are not specific enough

2. We put up the wrong criteria down because our self image keeps us thinking too small of ourselves and our possibilities.

Let’s deal with Obstacle No 1: How can you make a good decision if you don’t have enough criteria? How many are enough?
Take a piece of paper, think of a decision (for a client, partner, mentor, etc.) you have made recently and write down your criteria for making that decision. How many did you come up with, 5 or 6? If you came up with 10 you are better than average. Now you want to double that at least! Yes that’s right, I am serious you need at least 20 criteria. If you are looking for a partner, you want to have even more than that, at least fill an entire A4 page.

What will the criteria be?
First and foremost think of how you want the relationship to be with the person. Most people don’t do this and only focus on characteristics of the person. Big mistake! The relationship with you is what counts the most (eg. for a client: treats me with respect, shows up on time, raves about me to others…) that’s what will ultimately determine your success or otherwise.

A lot of people feel that this approach limits them in their choice and that’s just not true. If you don’t know what you want, anyone or noone is right. If you are clear about it your eyes will open to the specific people that truly would be a good match. It’s kind of like when you decide to buy a blue Toyota Corolla hatchback and then you see them everywhere on on the street. They were always there but you just didn’t see them before.

Be as specific as possible: What do you see, hear, feel that tells you the relationship is ideal?
Be positive in your description: EG. don’t say “he’s not lazy” say “He’s proactive in suggesting improvements”.
Remember the basics: If you want a male partner, make sure you put ‘male’ on your list!

Now to Obstacle No 2:

What is your self image? How confident are you of your own abilities? For Example: If you want a mentor for yourself and you feel intimidated by the idea of sharing your ideas with them you may attract someone who is too directive, takes over or simply underdelivers to your expectations. It is important that you see yourself as an equal, that you are clear what you want to get out of the relationship and how you need to behave in order to get that result.

Ask yourself: What are my beliefs around this relationship?

Here is my example for attracting the right mentor: I believe that
- my mentor is a resource available for me and my responsibility for using to my advantage.
- the investment I make into my mentor has to repay itself quickly and I need to reach a set Return on investment within a year from the relationship.
- I am an equal to my mentor, they simply have more skills and experience in an area I want to grow into
- It is my right and responsibility to speak up when something about the relationship isn’t working.

These beliefs keep me empowered and help me to make the most of the mentor relationship.

So can you see the benefit in this approach?

It’s your turn now:

Business Mindset Breakthrough Assignment:

1. Think of a person you want to attract into your life (can be a partner, mentor, employee or client).
2. Make a list of all the criteria they need to fulfill, be sure to write a minimum of 20 specific ones
3. Check your beliefs around the relationship you want to have with them. Are they keeping you powerful? If not, what do you need to believe instead to empower yourself?

Watch out, amazing things happen when you do this, the ideal people come out of the woodworks, maybe tomorrow maybe in a couple of weeks, you’ll see.

I would love to know how you went with this process and what it did for you, so please leave me a comment here on my blog.

To your Empowerment,
Yvonne

Have you ever been in one of these dilemmas:

- You had agreed to participate in a certain project and then you changed your mind/your circumstances changed and you want to pull out
- a client asks you for something extra on a project that you hadn’t budgeted for and you feel it is unreasonable but don’t want to put them off
- a friend empahtically and really nicely asks you to go out with them but you just don’t feel like it?

And then you ponder it in your head, should I do it or shouldn’t I do it….? and If I was to say ‘No’ or “I changed my mind’ how will they take it and more importantly how will I feel when seeing their disappointed face? Will my benefit be worth the guilt trip I will be on for a while after saying ‘No”?

I know what it’s like, I’ve been there.

Until I understood that it was my mindset that was causing this whole dilemma, meaning I could change it.

Let me ask you this: If your kid’s or partner’s or your own life depended on it, would you be able to say “no” to the person?
Of course you could. Which tells me one thing:

Feeling guilty about saying it, or not saying it at all, means in your mind the other person’s outcome is more important than yours. And that is just not true!

Read this: You getting your outcome is the most important thing!

And before you protest, let me clarify this statement: Sometimes, saying ‘yes’ to someone and going the extra mile is the outcome you want because there is a long term payoff (eg throwing in an extra benefit for a client with whom you want to build a long term relationship). That means you do get your outcome in the end, so you both win!

However, there has to be a strong enough win for you at the end. And please don’t use this way of reasoning to talk yourself into something you don’t want to do.

Way too many people in business and in their personal life, think they are being so good by constantly looking out for others and putting their own needs last. And then they start to feel resentment, exhaustion, depression and burnout. I see it all the time in my coaching practice. These people feel selfless when they do it, not realising that without them receiving something in return so the scales even out, they will burn out. Because on an unconsicious level there always has to be an exchange, you need to get something back, otherwise you can’t sustain yourself in the long term. On an unconsious level we always expect there to be a return even if we don’t like to admit it consciously.

So you might as well be honest with yourself about it upfront. Remember if you don’t eat and drink to become strong yourself you won’t have the strength to help others who need help to feed themselves. It’s the same here, giving too much in the short term will only mean you can’t sustain what you do in the long term because you will burn out.

How do you know then, when to say ‘no’ and when to say ‘yes’?

Your Business Mindset Breakthrough Assignment

Next time you face a dilemma like this ask yourself:

1. What do I get out of saying ‘yes’ to this request?
2. Do I value that outcome highly enough, in other words is my return (emotionally or financially) higher than my investment here?
3. Does my gut feeling say ‘yes’ or ‘no’?
4. Listen to your gut feeling as it is always honest, while you might be kidding yourself by talking up your benefits if you are afraid of the other person’s reaction to your ‘no’
5. If you still feel you should say yes, ask yourself “who says you should?” usually it’s an old piece of programming from our parents that says we should and it most likely doesn’t apply to you anymore!

Watch out for my next post where I will give you some language tools to say ‘no’ in a graceful and elegant way, so relationships are maintained while you get what you want!

Until then,
Value yourself, because you are worth it,

Yvonne

I was made aware of this video from one of my friends on Twitter (btw while you are at it, follow me on twitter)

When I watched this I immediately applied it to networking. Many people think that in order to be good networkers they have to be experts, provide incredible value, be someone, etc. when really all that is required, is to make someone else feel good about themselves. Watch this video and discover the true power of connecting with people!

It’s 15 minutes well spent!

Would love to know what you think about it! Please leave me a comment!

Yvonne

Part 1 of a Series of Articles on the “I’m not good enough” Phenomenon

Do you know that sinking feeling in your stomach that happens when your inner critic says to you “You are not good enough, and you know it!…”? This Mindset sucks the life force and all motivation out of you!

This one statement, which really is a limiting belief, is probably the biggest dream killer on earth! And most of the time totally unnecessarily. Interestingly enough I have found that it’s mostly high achievers, ambitious and hard working people who have this negative self talk going on, which includes the majority of my clients. These tend to be the people who have high standards for themselves, are constantly driven to do better and are most disappointed when they don’t reach their own standards.

The feeling/thought of ‘I am not good enough’ appears whenever our reality doesn’t match our expectations. And most people set either completely unrealistic expectations for themselves or don’t even know what their standard for being ‘good enough’ is and therefore constantly feel the need to strive for more.

Let’s start with the latter.

Here is your Business Mindset Breakthroughs Assignment:

Think of an area in your life or your business where you feel you are ‘not good enough’.

Now, ask yourself, what specifically is ‘being good enough’? What does it look like, sound like, feel like when I am good enough? Make it measurable so you are really clear when you have reached the standard you set yourself.

Then set yourself a timeframe in which that standard is attainable and ask yourself, is this realistic?

What do I need to do to achieve this standard?

And am I prepared to put the necessary effort in to achieve it?

How did you go? Chances are that if you are used to beating yourself up about not being good enough, you haven’t stopped and thought about this before. Please do this exercise, it could change your life!

I will be posting more articles on a weekly basis on how to get out of the “I’m not good enough’